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2019-12-28

人生、したくないことしてるほど、ヒマじゃないんだよ。母の言葉

いつかどこかで、を今ここにもってくる。

2019年も残すところ、あと4日。

今月は下旬にインフルエンザにかかった。

体の基本姿勢が「横」になることが続くと、あらためて身体を「縦」にできていられる状態って大切、身体が資本だよね、ということに気づく。

 

「いつかどこかで、を今ここに持ってくる」

 

これはこの数年のテーマ。

そういえばブログかけていないなあと思いながらお昼ごはんを準備していて、この言葉を思い出した。

「いつか」とか「準備が整ったら」とか、「完璧になったら」とか。

その「いつか」は、きっとほとんどずっとやってくることはないから、

いま、目の前に持ってこようと決めることでしか、その「どこかで」はやってこない気がする。

しかもたいてい、その「どこかで」は 1度動いたからといって到達点に達するわけでなくて、

「いつか」と思って始めたその時は、初めて見れば単に「始まり」だったことに気づく。

今日は、ここ最近思い出している、母の言葉のご紹介。

 

私と近しい友達は、何かの折にこのはなしを聞いたことがあるかもしれない。

そのくらい、この言葉は私の人生の根底にあるし、当時は大きな衝撃だったのだ。

私の両親は、そういう、人生への影響という意味では  一般的な(と定められるのかと疑問もあるけれど)父・母の存在感として 逆である気がする。

父は、私にとって 人生の随所随所、小さな困りごと、疑問、考えていることを話して、その時父が考えることを教えてくれる。何かの問題や出来事に対して、それぞれに返してくれるイメージ。

対して母は、突然 私の人生を根底から覆すような大きなことをいう。

それはある出来事に対する返答でなくて、生きているいろんな局面でキーになる、そういうことを教えてくれる。

そんな母の言葉。

 

それはある日、私が デザインと経営を学びたいと思って 大学はデザイン学部に入ったものの、

本当にこれでいいのか、課題も得意でないことばかりで嫌になっていた大学1年生、19歳の7月のこと。

金工の課題だったか、なんだか忘れてしまったけれどその時は夏休み前で課題もたまっていて、

多分 そこから生まれる不安や悩みを母にぐちぐち電話していたのだと思う。

 

その私の思いを聞いた、母の言葉。

「みやび、やめていいよ。人生、したくないことしてるほど、ヒマじゃないんだから。」

人生、したくないことしてるほど、ヒマじゃないんだから。

 

もともと、高校から自分が決めた自分の人生を歩みなさいと諭す母だったから、やめていいよという言葉にはあまり驚かなかったけれど、そのあとに続いた人生 したくないことしてるほど、ヒマじゃないは衝撃だった。

え?したくないことしてるほど、ヒマじゃない?なにそれ笑と。

でもその一言が教えてくれたことは、私が先延ばしにしていた(普通だと思うのだけど)「自分の人生の全体をちゃんと観ること」だった。

その言葉で、 “ たとえば80歳まで生きていたとして、でも身体の器官にも無理がなく、思いに忠実に思い切り動けるのはいつまれだろう。頭もしっかりして思いのまま動けるのが、仮に(当時19歳からみて)40歳だとして、たしかにそう考えると、あと20年くらいしかない。” と思ったり、

さらに、“ 一緒に住む人ができて家庭を持つ時ができたら、今よりきっと少し制限はかかる。そんなことを考えたら、大学時代のように動けるのなんて、もしかしたらあと10年?とも思ったりしたことを覚えてる。

 

この解釈は、あくまで私個人の偏見100%で感じていたことだけど、

誰もが「今から自由にいろんなことができるよね」と声をかけてくれる19歳、大学1年生の私に、母がかけたこの言葉は衝撃で。電話が切れた後、そのままものすごい速さで課題を終わらせて、週末の時間をあけた。高速バスに乗り込んだ。

 

行き先は宮城。実は、受験合格後に知った、気になる大学&学科があったのだ。

そちらに行っていたら…”と少しでも迷いがあって 目の前の課題に向き合えなかったことは 正直わかっていた。薄々。

 

私が大学生になった当時は、3.11の東北大震災のあった年。

初めて一人で訪れた仙台の駅は、まだ壊れいる部分もあった。

身体も小さいし童顔だった私なので(関係はない気もする)、そのまま大学のオープンキャンパスに参加した。高校3年生として。笑 同じ大学1年生になる人の話を聞いたり、宮城の大学の施設も見学した。

静岡県の浜松から遠く離れた宮城の山の中で、1日見聞きしてオープンキャンパスを楽しんだ。

 

帰りのバスの中で明確になったことは、一つ。それは、「大して変わらない」だった。

そんなことを言ったら大学関係の人に怒られてしまうかもしれないけど、よくよくわかったのは、結局「どんな環境があるか」じゃなくて、「自分がどう活かすか」。

 

それに尽きる、そう確信した。

その目線でみれば、元私立の私が通った大学は、とてもいい設備がたくさんある最高の場所だ、とさえ思った。

 

あの日から、自分が大学にいることは迷わなくなった気がする。

大学で受けていることそのままが自分のしたい仕事そのままではなかったから、時に悩むこともあったけれど、良い大学の先生にも、温かい同期のメンバーにも恵まれた。

 

『人生、したくないことしてるほど、ヒマじゃないんだから。』

それぞれにそれぞれの価値観があって、この言葉に異論がある人だっていると思う。

それでも、私はこの一つの母の教えが、ぐっと腹の上にあり続けている気がする。

 

それは、そう言われたからそう生きよう、というのでなく、

私がそうしようと思う人生だったから、多分そういう母を選んで この言葉を受け取ったんだと、今だったらそう思う。

2019.11.25  「父のこと。」
http://vilabledesign.com/aboutfather/

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